Desperately
by Charliebunny07
Summary: songfic to Michelle Branch's 'Desperately'. What if the 'Locker scene' in the movie 'I want to believe' didn't go the way that Chris Carter wanted it to


**Disclaimer**; Mulder and Scully belong to the man I worship, Chris Carter. He is a brilliant man. And the song belongs to Michelle Branch. I only own my parts of the story.

**_Author's note_**: Not sure if it's good, just came to me after reading the locker room scene in the novelization of the movie.

I just thought, "God, what if Mulder and she hadn't reconciled, and he really was an idiot to let her go," then the idea came, "How would she deal with losing the man she loved so much, " and finally, "they are obviously soul mates, so of course they would find each other again, but maybe she would be a stronger and smarter woman by then," anyway, enjoy.

**The X-files****; ****I want to believe; alternate scene.**

**Desperately**

**_There's something 'bout the way you looked at me, _**

_**made me think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be…**_

_**Living our lives separately and it's strange that things change,**_

_**but not me wanting you so desperately.**_

Dana sat on the bench long after Mulder had left her. She hadn't found the strength to leave yet. She just kept replaying the conversation over in her head. How had it come to that conclusion? Was she really going to leave, and could she? She had loved that man for a long time, and they even had a child together, not that it mattered. William was gone now.

She looked at her hands. They may not have been married, but she always felt a loyalty to him, a commitment they shared. She knew he felt the same. They didn't need any objects to signify their love for each other.

She wished she could go back and never have brought him in on this case, but it at least earned him his freedom. Yes, his freedom to leave her. This was her fault. And his.

She swallowed down the tears. She had no time to wallow, or she didn't want to giver herself that time. She was a strong woman. Always and would continue to be. She needed to keep her focus. She had things to do.

She knew Mulder would be doing the same.

Could she easily be forgotten by him? She knew that he wouldn't be doing it to truly hurt her. He wouldn't do that to her.

There was no denying that they loved each other, but there was just never the right time or place. She knew what kind of man he was. Could she really have fooled herself into thinking he would truly give it up for her. His crusade was his life, she was always second no matter how much he tried to deny it. She either existed in his world, or she didn't exist at all.

Things had changed for the better and she hated that she even had a glimpse of what they could have had. What she had wanted for so long before, only to have it taken from her in the blink on an eye. It would leave her curious and desperate for the past. Not having Mulder in her life was such a horrible prospect.

In the end, she decided it was best to know where she really stood in his life now instead of deluding herself that she was somehow more important. It was a lie and yet it wasn't. She figured that this decision was really for the best.

She steeled herself and walked back into the hospital with purpose.

**_Oh why_ _can't I ignore it?_**

_**I keep giving in, but I should know better**_.

_**Three years later**_

Dana had just finished a seven hour surgery and she was exhausted. She had been on for fifteen hours now and she was looking forward to going home.

She sat in the waiting room just to catch her breath. She stretched and massaged her neck. What she needed was a nice hot shower and a week's worth of sleep. Only one of those choices would be happening today. Be thankful for the small things in life she decided.

She was in a new hospital now. Back at Our Lady of Sorrows Hospital, she had problems with the staff after she had finished with her treatment of Christian Fearon. The young boy had a huge success with the experimental treatment. He would live.

She still kept in touch with the family.

After though, and with Mulder gone, she really had nothing to keep her there. She transferred to a hospital in Albany, New York.

So here she was resting and looking forward to going home.

She had her head rested against the wall and eyes closed trying to block out the world for a few moments.

"Scully?" said a voice she knew only to well.

She opened her eyes. Her sight blurry from exhaustion, but she knew that it was him.

She looked at him curiously. He gave her the same expression. Neither knew what to really say.

She noticed his arm, and felt foolish for stating the obvious, "Your arm is broken."He looked at it and smiled slightly, "Yeah; fell," was all he could think to say.

"How?" she asked for the sake of conversation.

"Uh, chasing a perp," he said.

She looked at him surprised.

"They let me back into the Bureau, on the condition I stay out of the basement," he explained.

She only nodded surprised.

"So you moved, I'm surprised to see you here," he said.

"Yeah, I left shortly after I finished with Christian," she said, "I wasn't held in high regard after that, so I decided to move on,"

They didn't say anything. He walked over and sat with her, keeping some distance.

Dana found that hurt a bit then the years they spent away from each other. They had lost the comfortableness of each other.

"So where are you now?" she asked.

"I moved back to my neighborhood, not the same apartment, although I tried," he smiled lightly.

She smiled a bit. She realized it was so much easier to hate him when he wasn't around and she hated that she still felt the same about him even three years later. She didn't want to love him, or realize how much she truly missed him.

"So, are you up here on a case?" she asked.

"Yeah," was all he said.

Again the silence. She knew what they wanted to say, but she never wanted to speak to him again. At least nothing that had to do with the past she tried to move on from.

'_**Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me **_

_**and it's strange that things' change…**_

_**but not me wanting you so desperately.**_

_**You looked my way and said, "You frustrate me." **_

_**like your thinking of lines and times when you and I **_

_**were you and me**_

"So you finishing up a shift?" he asked.

She nodded not giving him any indication that she really wanted to speak to him. She would keep civil, but she had no need to associate with him.

"Do you live in the city?" Mulder asked.

"Yeah, not to far from here," she answered curtly.

Mulder looked down at the floor. She knew that she was hurting him, but he had hurt so much more then. He proved to her how insignificant she was to him. She suppressed the resentment and anger. She really was too tired to be dredging up the past right now.

"So…uh…how have you…? He began awkwardly, but she cut him off.

"Mulder, really I didn't expect to see you again, and I don't want to pretend that I want to be friendly with you either," she said sternly.

He backed down from the sharpness of her statement.

"I know I hurt you, but I've thought about you so much since then," he said honestly blunt.

"I bet, but I spent these last four years forgetting about you, and I was doing so good, until today," she said derisively.

He ran his good hand though his hair roughly, "God, Dana why do you have to be so damn stubborn, I am trying to apologize?"

"Why are you so frustrating, and I never asked you to?" she challenged sharply.

He looked at her and when the anger between then abated slightly, he laughed lightly, "Guess things never really do change, huh?"

Through her anger she caught what he meant, and smiled slightly. And it hurt like hell.

"Yeah, well, even so, a lot still has changed," she said wearily.

_**We took our chance out on the street, **_

_**then I missed my chance and chances are it won't be coming back to me.**_

"It has, but you seem to be doing well," Mulder commented.

"You too," she said.

Both wondered was it because they were without each other.

For a fleeting moment Dana did wonder, "Could it be true that I really only held him back,"

Obviously it showed, or Mulder could still read her mind, "You never held me back; I'm not doing well because I don't have you anymore, I just had to find something to do…after,"

"Seems that's all I'm doing, I like my job, but since then, all I feel like I'm doing is just getting through each day," she admitted, not looking at him.

He reached for her hand, but she pulled back from him. She would not accept his comfort. It's his fault that she was feeling like that. All of this was his fault.

He understood, "Dana, I am sorry,"

She laughed mirthlessly, "No, your not, you needed to pursue that case, you did exactly what you wanted, I didn't matter,"

"You did, I was an idiot, the case was solved, but I didn't have you, I realized then my mistake, and then I realized it was too late, I knew you wouldn't take me back, and I knew you wouldn't forgive me, like now," he said dolefully.

"You were right, I couldn't do it anymore, I just wanted a normal life, with you, but I knew it was never going to happen," she argued.

He didn't deny that, and she was hurt.

"You weren't even going to try, you spent those six years with me in hiding, but still trying to continue, or find away to continue the X-files, and I had to endure it because I loved you, but that wasn't life, I couldn't stand it," she admitted.

"I know I failed at that, and I can't tell you how sorry I was, you're right it wasn't fair, I should have known better, you sacrificed more then I ever did," he admitted.

She sighed heavily, "Listen, I don't want to do this, I don't want to cast blame, it gets us…me nowhere, time has passed, it's over, we're over," she said firmly.

He nodded sadly, "Regretfully, I know that."

_**Why can't I ignore it?**_

_**I keep giving in, but I should know better.**_

_**Cause there is something 'bout the way you looked at me **_

_**and it's strange that thing's change… **_

She said nothing more. She was exhausted and she ached. All she could really think about now was bed. She just wanted Mulder to be a bad dream. She didn't want to have to deal with this anymore.

"So, are you all right, I have worried about you," Mulder said sincerely and was ready for her to snap at him again.

She didn't, she relented, "I'm all right, I like working here, I like the city, I've been in touch with my family more,"

"That's good, how is your mother?" Mulder asked.

"She's well, I'm supposed to see her next month," Dana answered, "What about you?"

"I mostly work, nothing much, I don't have family, or my friends anymore, but I'm okay, I'm making some new ones, and I get along with my partner, most of the time," he said nonchalantly.

She smiled, "Still the same then, Mulder?"

He was glad to see her smile, "Yeah, but since a lot has changed, I miss the past more," he admitted.

"Me too, but I refuse to go back, at least now, I just appreciate the memories now," she said.

"So, I'm assuming I won't be counting you among my new friends then?" he asked wryly.

She laughed lightly, glad that he was still the same Mulder she always knew. Only wishing the circumstance could be better then what they were.

"No, I don't think so," she said truthfully and as lightly as possible. She was tired of them hurting each other.

He nodded, "I understand, I guess, in truth I was hoping, I really do miss you Dana,"

"I know, I miss you too, but it was just to stressful, and maybe we just weren't…meant to be," she said trying to hide the hurt in her voice, but failing to.

"I don't believe that, well, it was stressful, I agree, but I know we are meant to be, look at us here, what are the odds," he said.

She was reminded of the Mulder she knew when they worked together. It made her slightly happy. He hadn't lost his faith.

"Who knows," she said.

He groaned, "Always the skeptic, glad to see you haven't changed," but smiled at her, amused.

"I never will, and I know you won't either, for better or worse, I haven't yet decided," she said.

"Let me know, when you do," he said meaningfully.

She didn't answer him. She knew after today, she would make no effort to try and contact him. She was closing their chapter. A part of her life she should have long ago.

Maybe then they wouldn't have ended up so miserable. Maybe they still could have been friends.

She hoped that he had done the same or at least was trying to do the same. She wished him no unpleasantness anymore.

The decision still hurt, but that didn't mean that it wasn't right.

_**but not me wanting you so desperately.**_

_**I want you so desperately**_

Mulder watched her for a moment and realized that she wasn't going to say anymore.

"I was off an hour ago, I should be going, I'm exhausted, I need to sleep," she said and yawned to prove her point.

He nodded, "Yeah, well, I guess I should get going too, I have to check in with my superior," he said indicating his arm.

"All right," was all she could think of to say.

They both looked at each other awkwardly. Finally Mulder spoke first.

"I don't know what to say about this meeting, but for me, it was great to see you again, Dana," Mulder said earnestly.

She only smiled lightly. She didn't know what to say. She just felt that this was the end.

He stood up, but lingered.

"Well, I guess I'll see you," he said but gave her no contact information.

She understood why. Fate.

"Yeah, I guess, apparently we can't really outrun each other," Dana said softly.

"No, I don't think so, and I don't ever hope to," Mulder said sincerely, "Goodbye, Dana,"

She only nodded. She didn't think she had the voice to speak those words, again.

He started away from her. And once again she watched the man she loved leave, but she knew that it was not the last she would see of him. She agreed with him and she wondered what their next meeting would be like.


End file.
